Stomach Knots

'Stomach Knots' acrylic paint and ink on paper by Jina Wallwork

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Stomach Knots - Jina Wallwork

 

I would get so nervous around you. I was incapacitated by a wave of emotion. My stomach would tie itself in knots. Full of nerves, I would become unsure of myself. I would constantly question my own worth. As your voice would travel toward me, the knots within my stomach would tighten. I was overwhelmed by the intensity of feeling. The moment shared would seem so valuable—more important than any other. My nerves were constantly heightened and yet the experience was pleasant. Afterward, I would overanalyze the conversation and I think of all the things I should have said. In my mind, I was constructing a version of myself; one that I hoped would be enough.

 

Each moment now seems like an opportunity lost. It feels as though they were important beyond measure but I could not extend them into a permanent aspect of my life. I would like to feel those stomach knots once more; to exist within a moment that contains so much hope and promise. My stomach only knots at times when I can see a golden future. It happens in moments that contain excitement and wonder. I never would have been able to behave in a manner that ignored their presence. I never could have chosen to ignore the beautiful future that existed in my mind. My stomach knots at times when saying the right words is paramount and instead I feel silly and stupid. Those stomach knots occur at such important times. Within those moments, I know that a spectacular opportunity is present. I may not always be able take advantage of what is available but there is nothing greater than feeling your stomach knot. It feels as though the world is shifting and this feeling is an acknowledgment that your life contains an overwhelming blessing.

'Stomach Knots' acrylic paint and ink on paper by Jina Wallwork